Ever since I was younger, I loved to write about possible answers to the questions that had no definite answer. From religion to love, from faith to death. The one thing that all of them have in common is hope. Hope is like the mayonnaise on a ham sammich. it’s the force that makes everything push toward a more beautiful goal. We go through so many phases in our lifetime, I wonder if these phases are just tests from something greater, what if we fail one of these tests? I think that they are just thrown at us again in a different form when we are wiser and have grown from the last time we were tested. I have an odd way at looking at things, I’ll admit, I put everything that I do off until the last minute just so I can think about what would happen if I made a wrong decision. This works for me. It always has.

My mother and I have this thing where every now and then we trade off my scrapbook which has things from all phases of my life, pictures of me when I was goth and when I was preppy, letters from when I was suicidal, poems about love, and drawings of funny things. And the last time that my mom and I traded this book, she handed me a manila folder that that had more poems, more letters and classwork from all grades. She kept up with everything. I was looking through this folder and came across this essay that I wrote in 9^th grade. It is splendidJ :

 Fate, is it fact or fiction? Do we believe that we are completely free to do what ever we want and that we alone create our destiny, or are we fated to follow some decided path and no matter what we do we are predestined to live out our life according to someone's plan? Now maybe the bigger question is how do we justify which way is right and which is wrong. I believe that each person develops their own opinion through personal encounters and experiences, and the only correct path is the one that the person believes in and lets that person live their life to its fullest.
The people who truly believe in the whole concept of fate are the ones who have it easy. They can look at any situation and say that the outcome, whatever it may be, is because of fate and was meant to be. These are the people who can go skydiving with no fear because they believe that if it is their fate to live, great, if it's their fate to die, well hell it was meant to be. They take the responsibility of their life out of their own hands and put it into the hands of a mystic force called fate. Now that is one hell of a concept. Personally, if I 'm going to do something crazy and stupid, I will be sure all the proper precautions are taken and not count on fate to handle all the details.
Then there are the people who believe that their life is completely in their hands and they themselves mold their destiny through their choices and actions. To me this opinion requires way too much worrying and stress on their part if they truly practice it in their daily lives. But it also provides a sense of freedom and independence to do with your life as you please and live your life how you want it. To me, these types of people generally don't take as many risks as the others because they are worried about the consequences that might damage the life they have created. It is like when you build a pyramid out of playing cards. You pick out the best looking cards, the strong and secure ones, and are always ever so careful placing each pair on so that you don't knock down the entire thing. A life like that is what heart attacks and ulcers feed on. I just think that life is too short to worry about all of life's little things.
Now what I believe in is a little different. I believe in fate very much so, but also in living our life freely to make our own decisions to mold our life. I conceive fate not as some imaginary mystic force, but a very alive power in all our lives, Hope. I don't want to sound odd and I don't think hope infuences everything, but I do believe that certain things happen for a reason. I sense that we are free to live out our lives how we see fit and that we help to shape our destiny through our actions and our experiences, but I strongly believe in another force out there intervening from time to time and makes things happen for whatever reason. This is where the concept of fate comes in.
Whether you live your life throwing caution to the wind or like a house of cards, you should simply live your life out to its fullest and not take either belief to an extreme. There is a healthy median out there, so find it, live it, and love it. Live out live however you see fit and govern your actions accordingly, because after all it is your life and you only have one.

It looks like my trip back home will be postponed once again. I am headlining in LA this weekend. Its totally okay, I just wish that I had someone to help me keep track of all of this stuff LOL. Here it is: 
                                    

             
This pic aint really that old

Tuesday is the best friend that any friend could ask for. She is funny, all the time, even randomly at night when she woke up. She is the type of person that wasn’t scared to do anything and she never gets embarrassed, but it was always fun trying. On my birthday last year when I turned 19 she made me a penis cake which didn’t look like a penis to the slightest bit ad to go along with it I had a penis hat. We always had fun together and the family was amazing.

My penis cake                                  Tuesday being crazy!                                       My birthday hat

Tuesday’s mom, Ms. Tina is quite the mom, she is a soul that just loves to live and shows it every time she opens her mouth, no matter what she says. I don’t see how they do it, Ms. Tina and her husband, they have sooo many kids but they still remain so young at heart. I love them all. I think they will have a dinner on the table when I go visit, maybe some vegetable soup. wink wink*

I first met Brandon Baker on the set of my first live internet show when I first started porn and I first met Angel Benton when he drove me to the set of my Suite703 movie. These guys are hilarious and are always fun to be around.



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Since I am about to make a trip back home to Georgia I though it’d be cool to tell a couple of stories about how I got to be the person I am today. Until I was about six years old I lived with both my parents, my small, caring, tenderhearted mother and my fat redneckish father. When my little brother was about a year old my parents decided to split, that’s sorta what happens when a redneck drinks too much and feels that control and superiority is the only way to be a real man, this tore me apart. I lived with my father for about three years and the only good memories from the time living with him was watching my brother grow from the cutest little baby, to the person that means the most in my life and everyday at 11:00am Xena: Warrior Princess came on for an hour and afterwards I would go outside and pretend throw my Frisbee thingy at trees just like Xena did to the bad guys, LOL. When my dad got off work we spent most nights of the week at the local Waffle Houses where he would sit and flirt with the waitresses and drink coffee for hours. My thing at the waffle house was the juke box. I think I knew like every song on it, it was the coolest, like a big screen TV sized iPod. When the time with my father came to an end, he took my brother and I and met up with my mom at a Chevron and said that he couldn’t take it anymore. Life with my mom started out pretty rough but I wouldn’t have had it any other way, this was the major learning and growing era of my life so it was imperative for my mom to layout the morals and lessons that needed to be learned to become a happy and respectable young man, which she did SO wonderfully. From time to time my mom brought over this guy that I hated with all of everything that was in me, and boy did he know it. But I just kept seeing more and more of him, and now, he has been my stepfather for about twelve years. This man never once yelled at me, scorned me, or put forth any vibe of being like my real dad. Today he is the only man that has my complete respect and never would I ask for a better father. Unlike my real dad, he supports me and who I am and everything that I do, after all, I am his son.


StepPappy and Mom
Im not gonna post a pic of my bro because I dont want a certain someone to become obsessed with him too

My mom had many struggles raising two kids but we always had plenty of love and home cookin to go around. My little brother is my whole heart as I know it, I’ve watched him grow every single day of his life, we were never apart until I moved to Ohio for a short while. My family is an amazing family, which just consists of my mom, my step dad, my brother, midnite (the big puppy), and me. My family will be marching in the Atlanta Pride Parade with me on Halloween and that totally means so much. Im probably the only pornstar to talk about his family publicly but I have nothing to hide, No shame at all.

And for a couple of people, this is one of the many reasons I love me some Celtic Woman